Little Black and Blue's Journal

Subject:	around the merry go round
Time:	5:01 am.

Hey I'm just hanging out and stuff. it's early in the morning I haven't gone to bed yet. I start school again today. In 3 hours I'll be speaking Spanish or I'll saty home and work on the 10 page report I have due. Whatever. I'm too tired to give a fuck. Anyways...yeah I'm tired. I'm rather in a pissy mood. I almsot got busted w/ weed again and if I did I would of kicked Ashley's little b/f thingy's ass!!
I miss all my friends @ CHS. I'm glad that I'm not there otherwise I'de be in the middle of all the arguing like I was last month, but I miss talking to all of you. Kirsten, Jenn, Tasha, Becky, Ashley, Kate, Heather, Rachel... but it's not like I want to leave GFA either I have new friends. 1 a thug, 1 a prep, and 1 a fag. SO I'm kind of torn. I hate this new school deal, but the only reason I'm still in it is b/c 3/4 of the school had bets going on how long it would take me to get expelled. I think the longest bet was 1 semester. My egos hurt and I feel like shit. Fuck this I hate this damn fucking journal anyways.

Kimm

P>S>Me and Billy 3 months strong now. I love him so much. I hope it lasts...wishing...

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Subject:	Back for the meantime
Time:	9:52 pm.

Hey everybody. I'm back...did ya miss me? NO?? o.k. I understand. I"ve been out like everyday mainly hanging out with my Billy. New flavor of the month hopefully for a long time. I love my Billy and he loves me he's super sweet too!! He came up to my school (45 min. away from where he lives) and brought me a rose! Jealous yet? O.k. how about a week after we started going out he took me on a picnic? Now you are jealous. I've been good no coke. Just as I promised all my friends. Haven't really smoked any weed but that's b/c of the great maryjane drought of 2002. Fucking christ why are they doing this to me?? WHy are they finding all the pot in the U.S. and confiscating it?? Fucking homosexual incest. Whatever. Been spending this whole week at the library trying to get my 5 page paper done that's due tomorrow and I still haven't typed it up. Lame. Just got done drinking a 40oz. of Bud Light so I'm feeling pritty damn good. Thomas Sweeney is a fucking hilarious ass drunk. We're in the park and he's talking stupid shit making my ass laugh all night. Tomorrow, I
'm getting another fucking 40. Rock on Rock on. Well, g2g bye everybody I'll update next year.

xoxo,
Kimm

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Subject:	back from the dead
Time:	12:41 pm.

hey sup? n-2-m-h. Kind of bummed., 1) Paul chose his fatty of an ex-g/f over me!! Dammit dude I'm hot and SKINNY I should of gotten him, but that's o.k. b/c last night I got the hot guy who works at SHop'n;save's cell #!! Names Billy And dammit he's fucking hotttttttt. He's a freak and he's in a band called Carapace that's playing at the Creepy Crawl Monday night. I'm so there!
2) 4 days without any coke. I decided to quit but god dammit I'm feening. I avtually went as far as begging for a line. I'm getting pathetic so I quit. Good for me. I think.
hmm....just to warn people about Paul Edward Dontigney He's an idiot. He talks about his enis like it's a god, but it's not and seldomly stays up! I warn all girls and guys to stay away from him. He's bad fucking news.

Peace,
Kimm

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Subject:	I made it through the wilderness Yes I made it through, couldn't find myself, till I found you....
Time:	1:01 am.

Was at work. Now at home. I'm just bored. Cars not fixed yet. Bummer, but at least it runs. ANyways got my hair cut yesterday by a professional this time not me. It's really short about to my chin. I flip it out on the sides and part it enough to were it covers up 1 eye. I'm weird.
Worked at my mom's store the other day. I love parading around at work wearing a wig. It was fun. hehe.
Let's see... what's on my agenda. 1)Buy school supplies (yes school is finally starting for me) 2)Try to make my frineds not hate me. 3)Try to get Paul. 4)Go to the bank. 5)work 6)pick up the rest of my uniform. Yeah that's it. and stuff.
Nothing to say. It was a boring day to me. So bye.

xoxo,
KimM

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Subject:	Life is silly and amusing, but down right depressing
Time:	2:27 am.

I need a fix. SO damn bad. 2 days now and I don't have any! God dammit. I feel so dead. So horrible inside. Not because of the white, but because I hurt alot of my friends. Actually they're not mad at me that much but they're mad because somehow (I don't quite know how yet) but I made another friend of mine start. Huh? How can I be blamed for somthing that she/he did? It's they're fucking choice and honestly I'm not too happy with the finger pointing. Friends don't point. Anyways school starts Tuesday and there are absolutely NO cute guys. Maybe it's just me, but none. Nada zilch! That's o.k. I have a Paul kind of? hehe he looks good without a shirt. hehe. Anyways hanged out w/ Paul Fri. until 2a.m. I really like him, but he's not ready to start another relationship. dammit. We do all the couple type things. We hold hands, we cuddle, we kiss, we make people feel uncomftorable, but there's no real commitment. I want commitment. I want somebody to kiss me awake in the morning! I want somebody to tell me he loves me when it's raining and we trying to huddle under an umbrella! I want someone to bring me flowers at work just because he can. I want someone.
Not just anyone, I want Paul to do all those things, but... he's not going to and I've realized this. A bit too late there's already emotional attachment, but I realized it. I hate feelings. I want to be a cold heartless stock broker who doesn't give a shit about anybody except myself and my big ol' bank account. And when I get old I'll buy a little house in suburbia and have a keep off my grass or I'll kick your punk ass sign. Fucking dreams.

xoxo,
KimM

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Subject:	Back with a story to tell
Time:	1:42 am.

Hey people. Sorry haven't posted in awhile. I've been busy getting coked up and shit. I met this awesome guy and I am completely head over heels for this guy. His name is Paul, He's in a band called Cryptic Sanity so you guys should check them out if you're into death metal. he's beyond sweet and I have a date type thing with him too. Oh yeah a damn good kisser. hehe. Anyways he came into BK and I gave him a free whopper b/c his 18th b-day was coming up. ANyways I gave him a crown he gave me a card with his number on it and I wrote my number on his crown 2 days later he calls me and he comes by BK and kidsnapps me (so to speak more like he wanted me to leave and hang out with him so he mopped the floor for me and did a shitty ass job, but sweet thought) Anyways we hanged out I did a lot of coke and he held me and cuddled with me and I loved it. He's everything I want and more only problem is his name isn't Prince Johnathon. I've come to terms with the fact that he doesn't exist and I should find somebody with a normal name.
So I've realized I hurt alot of people b/c of my little addiction problem and I apologize. I never ment to hurt any of my closest and dearest friends. I love you all, but I really really don't want to quit. For once everything is going the way it should and I lost about 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I'm sorry to all of you, but I'm not going to quit. Not anytime soon. I'll mature eventually and get out of it. I can gaurantee that much but right now I am geeked!!!!

xoxo,
KimM

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Subject:	God dammit
Time:	2:43 am.

I'm fucking feening. I went all day without any coke and now I'm about to kill. GOD!! I need some soon and by soon I mean now!!!! fucking good for nothings. all of you are good for nothing. Unless you can get me coke. Fuck you! Fuck all of you! 1)I'm not obese 2)fuck you
bincrock
argh!!! My hook-up couldn't get any today and I wanted to rip off their fucking head! I need help. I can't quit on my own but I don't want to quit really. I want to live forever coked out of my mind. Shit I'm going to die.
bincrock

Just another face,
in a blind crowd,
licking your lips for taste,
all to happy all too proud.

Death stalks me,
just barely out of sight,
another rail makes me gitty,
lost the urge to fight.

I hate this place,
full of feelings,
but they're all fake,
no use dealing.

I'm lonely. I have too many friends. Right now I just want somebody to hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will be o.k. and that he loves me no matter what happens. Someone that will hold my hand and kiss away my tears, but that wil never happen. 1) Haven't met the right person yet and 2) no one could ever fall in love with me. Apparently I'm obese. I'm not I sent 2 years working my ass off(literally) to get rid of that weight. NOw I weigh 110 lbs. and I plan on keeping it down. So fuck you Cuisant!

whatever, bye,
Kimm

p.s. no posts I don't feel like dealing with shit.

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Subject:	Desperately seeking Johnathon,Prince
Time:	2:45 am.
Mood:	determined.
Music:	Cherish by Madonna (the immaculate collection).

I'm asking all of the people who read my journal to do me a favor. If any of you know a guy named Johnathon Prince or Prince Johnathon (either one will do) who fits the description below please notify the proper authorities (me!):
1)artistic
2)depressed but still knows what to say at the right time.
3)totally genuine acts the same around me and his friends.
4)Completely different from anybody I've ever met.
5)smart. Knows little tidbits about almost everything.
6)nice to alot of people who deserve to be nice to.
7)Can take control of me and help me quit to my addictions.
8)needs me like I need him.
9)Politically aware.
10)not totally caught up on the way people look.
11)is alot of fun to be around.
12)spontaneous.
13)dreams of a silly little love strucken girl named Kimm when he was little just like how I dreamed of him.
14)boxers not briefs or no underwear will do...:)
15)loves me.

Please...

KimM

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Subject:	disappointment is a horrible thing
Time:	12:41 am.

Well, I'm mad at myself. I'm back into my old junkie ways. It's like a cycle to me I go and get caught then I vow to quit and I end up starting again. THis time though I passed up pot and went straight to coke. Fuck pot I'm sick of it and I don't want it anymore, but coke...dear god I'd marry the fucker. I adore it and being all coked up makes me beyond happy. I'm moving faster then the speed of light and I'll start to think clearly and everything in the universe makes sense for once. Probably shouldn't of told Nick because now I think he's mad at me but god dammit! He has no say on what I can and cannot do anymore. I adore him as a friend but he can't control me. Only junk can do that. Dear go I'm happy!!
Star light star bright first star I see tonight if I may if I might have the wish I wish tonight. I wish that my dear Prince Johnathon would come and save me.

Kimm

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Subject:	boo hoo is the only words to describe it
Time:	1:13 am.
Mood:	depressed.
Music:	the beating of a broken heart.

I feel so depressed. Not really in the mood to do anything except sit and mope at my pathetic little life. Microscopic even. Today at work 2 crew and 1 manager made fun of me because I use to be fat. They were calling me obeast over the intercom and such and I wanted to cry. I wasn't obeast I was just fat. I'm not anymore and that's mearly because in my younger high school days I was under the impression that anerexia was the way to go. Lots of drugs and no food. I've grown out of that and now can wear less than a size 3 but no one seems to care they are obsessed with seeing me about to cry and flipping out. I was actually at the point were I said I quit and walked out of the store but they kept calling me back so I came back and mopped. I'm so gullable. I need a new job were people don't know about these things about me. I guess I'm over emotional but there are things that people shouldn't talk about in order to save a person's feelings and me use to being fat is one of them! Whatever I'm out of here. Good nite.

Sincerely,
KimM the hippos

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Subject:	boo hoo is the only words to describe it
Time:	1:09 am.

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Subject:	a lot about nuttin
Time:	2:17 am.

went to that Academy Govenor French Academy and I loved it! The teachers interact with students AND in Literature class they actually talked about, get this, literature!!!! IT's a fucking miracle I found this place b4 I graduated! Also I'm finally getting a car! An oldsmobile cutless supreme silver/grey. It's actually quite nice and very digital. The clock told me to have a nice afternoon. Seriously it did!! No joke.
Work sucked though DJ and Mike made fun of me because I use to be fat so...I made them clean the floors and the walls all in the kitchen. It made me feel alot better.
So...I guess Nick's talking to me again. I haven't figured out if it's actually him or this hacker chick that's been fucking w/ his and mine e-mail. Along with our live journals. Mine inspecially.
Have to buy uniforms soon. It's o.k. I have a choice of 3 different styles and I think I'm going to get the kilt. :) kilts are cool in the world of KimM and bagpipes.
Learned 4 chapters of Spanish today! yeah the Spanish teacher taught it to me while I was sitting inon his class. I learned that Spanish is really easy!! I also learned that R's sound really awesome. hehehehe.
God I fucking gitty and sleep deprived been up since 6a.m. I need to get so alone time with my pillow. hehehe that sounded really bad! Goddammit I'm a pervert. Grow up KimM!!!

Well g2g bored and tired.
KimM.

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Subject:	simple smiles makes people uncomftorable
Time:	1:18 am.

so...tomorrow ivy league me 6 a.m. never good. Kind of nervous don't think I can sleep. Eating chicken noodle soup. Drinking Gatorade. Not making sense in complete sentences. Oh well. Bored. Worked all day. Got tired. Came home. On computer. Writing in live journal. My live journals suck. Never interesting nor poetic. Where's my dog? come here puppy!! I like Bjork. Maybe I'll grow my hair back out... thinking. not very often. wearing American Eagle. Shoot me. not listening to Blink 182 or any rap. yeah. at least there's some good in me. I'm useless. car. me getting. Buick lesaber. still can't spell nor type. Need to clean room. Bought palm pilot. Cussed out Vice Principle today @ registrations @ CHS. I WILL NOT GET MY FUCKING PICTURE TAKEN FOR THE YEAR BOOK I WON'T BE IN IT SO GIVE ME MY GOD DAMN SCHEDULE AND I.D YOU STUPID LITTLE DWARF LOOKING MAN!!! had $100.71 down to $20.71. lent John $25.00 and bought 2 things for Kimm. I'm spoiled. Independant. Need a cigarette. need to quit. Need a lighter. Need a life. bye bye.

Kimm (or so I think)

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Subject:	just a description
Time:	12:21 am.

I was thinking since none of you really know me I thougth I would tell you allittle of my life.
My mom and my dad got married had sex and popped me out like a football. I was born in Biloxi, Mississippi and was forced to move from place to place because my father was in the air force. I spent my childhood reading, drawing, and mainly keeping to myself if possible. When I was in the 3rd grade CLinton made a cut on Military funding and fired a lot of army scum. My father was one of them. I then was forced to move to Illinois because my dad was raised there. I spend 7 years here and all of it in misary. I'm an artist. SOuly and only an artist. I am an individual not because I try but because I don't try. In 8th grade a drawing of mine was pubished and in the 9th grade a poem of mine was published. I find little pride in this I just thought it was cool. I've been busted for drugs twice and I've had alcohol poisoning once and was sent to the emergency room by my best friend's b/f and his 2 friends.THis happened like 2 months ago and since then I've been clean except for maybe 2 or 3 times were I fall into my weak side. I was a junkie but I've given it all up and I don't know why. I now spend my days working and doing absolutely nothing. Intersting huh?

kimm

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Subject:	no subject just non interesting bull shit
Time:	12:03 am.

So...today was none out of the ordinary. Woke up 1 hour till had to go to work went to work and worked. Nothing special no apiffanies or anything and I didn't learn how to spell. I'm so bored that I just might go into a chat room. I said might!!
I've had the Madonna cd for like a week now and now I know like every song by heart. Right now I'm like obsessed with Like a Prayer. "Life is a myster..." I'm sure you've all heard it so I shall stop myself from writing the whole damn song.
No scary dreams last night thank god! I probably would never sleep again if I had another one. I'm just sitting here feeding my dog p-nuttier treats and wondering if Nick was ever going to talk to me again. No? figured.
Well g2g have to wake up tomorrow at 9 to go to school. Didn't do it today I ummm...forgot?fell asleep?got engulfed by the Earth's crust and was melted after androids attacked the White House? (which do you think my mom will fall for?)
Bye

Sincerely,
Kimm

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Subject:	creepy
Time:	12:12 am.

O.k so I found out that yesterday (the 12) was a guy I once knew named Rhett's birthday which I suppose would explain the eerie and flat out creepy ass dream I had. If you know the story between me and Rhett it will make sense if not don't ask I don't like to think about it!
I was in my basement with my brother and a bunch of little kids and 1 of the kid's mom. Anyways there's this monster that feasts only on the hearts of the youth. HE ws chasing us and was working his way up by age starting with the youngest getting to the oldest. SLowly one by one he devored all their hearts and their innocence until there was no one left except my brother, the mom, and me. I was the next youngest and I was the next to go, but he never attacked me and the next thing I know I'm in a restraunt watching them cut up oranges and eating them with a shadow figure of a boy I once knew.
Because of this dream I woke up at 9am and couldn't fall back asleep for the life of me nor let alone let me get off my bed (he could be hiding under there you know). I haven't dreamt in like forever and of course it's a nightmare. I don't get happy dreams. Excpet for the one where I'm getting married to a prince(Johnathon) on a small bridge and the rivers consist of dwarves and fairy tale creature type things. Wow I'm an odd little girl. Maybe I need all this analyzed??

Sweet dreams,
KimM

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